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No one wants it to be a self fulfilling prophecy. But I’m starting to feel like I’m not born to know love.

The way I want to know love.

I’m not born to belong anywhere.

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I need to stop emotional eating :( and start swimming and drawing again.

Really!

. Robin Williams.

Entertaining the idea gives me a good kind of chill down my spine, and in my chest.

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There are few people I can tell things like they are. 

There are my best friends.

And then there are Anton and Daniel. 

I talked to Anton recently about abusive relationships. And I decided to read up about it. It’s hard to believe that my relationship was abusive. He wasn’t that bad, was he? There are subtle uses of words here and there. There was screaming at some point. And lies. And yeah, I remember now. The mockings. I’ve been reckless all my life. But nothing tops the last year. The kind of damage done to my heart and my body, inflicted whether by him or by myself is worrisome. I’ve been self-destructive. And this relationship just aggravates it. 

But I want a way out and not a way into it anymore. I don’t want to spend days trying to figure out exactly what it was. I knew what it was, I just didn’t want to believe it. What was taken away was me, my innocence, my love for love and for people. 

There has been a pattern and I let it bring out the worst in me. Reckless, stupid, hurtful, and dangerous. 

I’ve put myself in a situation that could’ve gone disastrous recently. It pains me in places deep in my soul the physical pain seems like nothing. 

Enough. 

Enough is enough. 

I want to hate you. But I know that’s not how I will get out of this paranoia with a name. Therefore, I chose forgiveness. I forgive you. And I forgive myself. 

I forgive you for all the time you made me cry. I forgive you for all the time you accused me of something I didn’t do. I forgive you for all the time you abandoned me when I needed you to be there, and just to be there for me. I forgive you for cheating on me. I forgive you for always comparing me to someone you wished I were. I forgive you for still trying so hard to make me feel bad. 

I forgive myself, for hurting you. 

I forgive myself, for hurting me. 

I found within myself the love I’ve lost when I was loving you.

And I’ve decided to place it, some place safe, within my heart, for me. 

And for someone else. 

It isn’t the kind of love that sparks fire, that tramples mountains and hills. 

It is the kind of love. 

That one day, when the time is right, I will tell him, that he’s home. 

Why do I find everything so difficult

I wish I weren’t this spoiled. Comfort is a safety net to fall back to. And then that safety net just disappears and I’m left with a sense of helplessness when I finally gained some sense of control.

And bad things happen at the same time.

But I’m not the same person anymore. I’ll try harder
I hope
I’ll try harder


I miss love, too.
Not the hurt though which I feel only intermittently nowadays.

I keep thinking about how I couldn’t imagine life without you. And now I’m living it. And then about what kind of story we would become in your memory and words you tell your next lover.
I already have mine. I don’t like the way it is told now, I’ll change it later when I like you as a person again.
I was thinking about how I’ll forget and forgive, both you and I. But I realize anything can happen.

What if I can’t forgive you. That will be very sad because you’re kind of nice I guess.

I’d like to think that you are. Because i’d like to think that I am, or will be.

I need to forgive myself too.

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Is there a possibility that I change
So that I don’t know the person who loved you anymore
Or so that you don’t know the person who loved you anymore
The worst part is
Our love had taken away the most innocent portion of my heart that I poured into loving you
The best part is
Even when I’ve emptied it out, there are still a thousand things I’m capable of loving
Myself
Included.

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I wanted to go out and grab a drink.

Then felt like the best decision I had made these days was to stay inside. I want too many things to waste time.

Passion.

Needs a little bit of nourishment right now. 

January

Was six months ago. And I’ve learned to ease the aching of my existence in the world.

Toxic.
I would like to think of you as the same person that I had loved. Not you now.
Not what our relationship has turned us into.
In that sense, you’re not there anymore.
I’ve lost the warmth of your embrace, the tenderness of your lips pressed against mine, the electric shock your fingers caused running on my skin.
I’d like to think of it as the death of something I used to hold dear.
Because in death I find the rebirth of something new.
The strength aloneness has honed.

I miss you dearly.
The good part.

Attribution theory.

Ah, well, forget it.

(Source: , via the-unfeminine-aesthetic)

christophermonro:

Be Brave
Chris DeLorenzo

christophermonro:

Be Brave

Chris DeLorenzo

(via illustration-ilustracion)

thinkstare:

I don’t ALWAYS draw young girls with bobbed hair

thinkstare:

I don’t ALWAYS draw young girls with bobbed hair